I have been feeling stuck…
Stuck in fear, stuck in uncertainty, just completely stuck.
This morning Jamie and I had a wonderful conversation, and I shared with her my current dilemma. She offered a wonderful suggestion about stating out loud that I needed the assistance of my spiritual guides. Since this idea wasn’t completely foreign to me, I decided to give it another try. Maybe my mom, who is no longer on this earth, will answer and given me the guidance that I desperately miss from her.
So in the middle of packing my suitcase for my upcoming trip, I sat on the bed and said out, “I need help. I need faith in other people, in myself and in the universe. I need help.” Immediately a chill came over me and my eyes began to fill with tears. Wanting to prevent myself from crying, I moved into the living room to knit for a moment. Knitting usually calms me down and gives me a sense of peace. Well, I had Evita playing on my Apple TV and I started knitting. Then suddenly without warning, I was sobbing. It was the uncontrollable ugly cry that you only want to do in the privacy of your own home. As I cried, the only thing I wanted in the world was for my mom to hold me. I wanted her to tell me that I was making the right decisions in my life. I wanted to her to make the decisions, which she would never do. I wanted some assurance that I was on the right path.
As the sobbing stopped, I felt that I needed to write. I wasn’t sure what I should say or if I had any answers, but I knew that I needed to write. I needed to write not for anyone else…not for a specific project…not for a book…not for play…just write. So here I am….writing. I’m really sure what I’m saying or if I make any sense at all. I don’t care. I’m just writing and maybe somehow this writing will help me find the answers to all the other questions that I’m struggling with about fear, certainty and the future.