crossing the finish line

Just write

I have been feeling stuck…

Stuck in fear, stuck in uncertainty, just completely stuck.

This morning Jamie and I had a wonderful conversation, and I shared with her my current dilemma.  She offered a wonderful suggestion about stating out loud that I needed the assistance of my spiritual guides.  Since this idea wasn’t completely foreign to me, I decided to give it another try.  Maybe my mom, who is no longer on this earth, will answer and given me the guidance that I desperately miss from her.

So in the middle of packing my suitcase for my upcoming trip, I sat on the bed and said out, “I need help.  I need faith in other people, in myself and in the universe. I need help.”  Immediately a chill came over me and my eyes began to fill with tears.  Wanting to prevent myself from crying, I moved into the living room to knit for a moment.  Knitting usually calms me down and gives me a sense of peace. Well, I had Evita playing on my Apple TV and I started knitting.  Then suddenly without warning, I was sobbing.  It was the uncontrollable ugly cry that you only want to do in the privacy of your own home.  As I cried, the only thing I wanted in the world was for my mom to hold me.  I wanted her to tell me that I was making the right decisions in my life.  I wanted to her to make the decisions, which she would never do.  I wanted some assurance that I was on the right path.

As the sobbing stopped, I felt that I needed to write.  I wasn’t sure what I should say or if I had any answers, but I knew that I needed to write.  I needed to write not for anyone else…not for a specific project…not for a book…not for play…just write.  So here I am….writing.  I’m really sure what I’m saying or if I make any sense at all.  I don’t care.  I’m just writing and maybe somehow this writing will help me find the answers to all the other questions that I’m struggling with about fear, certainty and the future.

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6 comments on “Just write

  1. Susan Perry
    25/09/2012

    This is so brave and so real. You are doing such a beautiful job of releasing yourself from pain that no longer serves you. The reality, at least in my experience, is that it is painful to let go of the pain; yet, little by little you will be released, you are already in that process. Suffewring is optional; prayer and meditation helped me a lot and yoga on andff the maqt. Kudos to you Michelle. and hang in there.

  2. Jamie
    25/09/2012

    Absolutely beautiful, this journey of yours, Michelle. Love to you.

  3. Debbie Phillips
    26/09/2012

    Wonderful, Michelle. Absolutely wonderful!

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This entry was posted on 25/09/2012 by in Life and tagged , , , , .

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