crossing the finish line

Just write

I have been feeling stuck…

Stuck in fear, stuck in uncertainty, just completely stuck.

This morning Jamie and I had a wonderful conversation, and I shared with her my current dilemma.  She offered a wonderful suggestion about stating out loud that I needed the assistance of my spiritual guides.  Since this idea wasn’t completely foreign to me, I decided to give it another try.  Maybe my mom, who is no longer on this earth, will answer and given me the guidance that I desperately miss from her.

So in the middle of packing my suitcase for my upcoming trip, I sat on the bed and said out, “I need help.  I need faith in other people, in myself and in the universe. I need help.”  Immediately a chill came over me and my eyes began to fill with tears.  Wanting to prevent myself from crying, I moved into the living room to knit for a moment.  Knitting usually calms me down and gives me a sense of peace. Well, I had Evita playing on my Apple TV and I started knitting.  Then suddenly without warning, I was sobbing.  It was the uncontrollable ugly cry that you only want to do in the privacy of your own home.  As I cried, the only thing I wanted in the world was for my mom to hold me.  I wanted her to tell me that I was making the right decisions in my life.  I wanted to her to make the decisions, which she would never do.  I wanted some assurance that I was on the right path.

As the sobbing stopped, I felt that I needed to write.  I wasn’t sure what I should say or if I had any answers, but I knew that I needed to write.  I needed to write not for anyone else…not for a specific project…not for a book…not for play…just write.  So here I am….writing.  I’m really sure what I’m saying or if I make any sense at all.  I don’t care.  I’m just writing and maybe somehow this writing will help me find the answers to all the other questions that I’m struggling with about fear, certainty and the future.


6 comments on “Just write

  1. Susan Perry

    This is so brave and so real. You are doing such a beautiful job of releasing yourself from pain that no longer serves you. The reality, at least in my experience, is that it is painful to let go of the pain; yet, little by little you will be released, you are already in that process. Suffewring is optional; prayer and meditation helped me a lot and yoga on andff the maqt. Kudos to you Michelle. and hang in there.

  2. Jamie

    Absolutely beautiful, this journey of yours, Michelle. Love to you.

  3. Debbie Phillips

    Wonderful, Michelle. Absolutely wonderful!

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This entry was posted on 25/09/2012 by in Life and tagged , , , , .


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