crossing the finish line

Bad ass in a shell??

A shot of expresso
Scotch straight up
A shot of tequila
…these are a few of my favorite drinks.

I often like to think of myself as a bad ass based solely on the drinks that I order. In the beverage arena, I am pretty bad ass. I’m fearless about trying cocktails.  I’m actually fearless about trying food in general. Unfortunately this quality does not translate into other areas of my life.  In so many other ways, I’m like a turtle who would be happier to hide in shell.

Love

Loving my family and friends is easy.  They have my unconditional love and support.  I would walk over hot coals or swim across an ocean for them.  I’m loving and supportive almost to a fault, but that’s how important my friends and family are.  Unfortunately I have never had this type of love with a guy in a romantic way.  It’s not like I don’t want it, but it hasn’t happened.  There’s a sense of security that I have to feel in order to give my unconditional love away, and it just hasn’t happened.  And it seems the longer that this experience alludes me, the harder it gets for me to be open to it.  So like the turtle, I stay tucked into my shell with little hope that someone will make it safe for me to come out.

Dreams

Growing up I never had one dream.  I had several dreams that all happened at once.  Even at 10, I was quite the multi-tasker.  None of my dreams fell in line with the conventional dreams.  They were a bit outside of the box. There were odd like me, yet I loved them.  However, the older I got, the more and more I felt pushed into doing something conventional. I found myself always asking “what is the right thing to do” before I did something, or  what is expected of me?  These are not the types of questions that I should have been asking.  They were TOTALLY WRONG for me. The questions that I should have been asking were “do I feel passionate about it” or “will it make me smile” or “will it bring joy to someone else’s life.”  Those were the right questions for me.  Now I know the right question, but I’m still scared to dream those big odd dreams.  I’m saddled with those old wrong questions, and I have struggle to unburden myself of them.  It’s easier to remain in my safe shell rather than coming out and removing the heavy saddle on my back.

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This entry was posted on 28/09/2012 by in Life and tagged , , , .

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