crossing the finish line

Fall-back plan

When things in my life feel out of control, there are few things that I always fall back on to  regain the control that I have lost.  These different activities and techniques can range from baking to knitting to shopping, but they all have one common thing — order.

For the love of order…

Order gives me a sense of control and power. Right now, I’m feeling lost about one area of my life because I can not control it completely.  This area requires faith and hope and optimism–three things that I struggle to provide for myself on a regular basis.  So I’m returning to order. Now that I’m back home, I can create very structured days where I eliminate any free time to think/worry/stress/agonize over this area.  Instead I will put on these feelings into a box and bury them deep within me.  Well, that’s my goal at least.

It isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how else to react.  Giving into chaos (as I see it) is scary and makes me too vulnerable.  I hate being vulnerable. I’m so much better at managing my expectations.  I’m so much better at protecting my heart and head from the impossible, even though I know that my “protection” keeps me from living a full life. UGH!

Today I made mini pumpkin spice cakes…why?  Who know?! It felt good to be control of the process and the outcome.  Of course, I still feel lost after the baking ends.  So I’m off to knit.  Knitting will help my feelings…right??

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This entry was posted on 16/10/2012 by in Life and tagged , , , , , , .

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