When things in my life feel out of control, there are few things that I always fall back on to regain the control that I have lost. These different activities and techniques can range from baking to knitting to shopping, but they all have one common thing — order.
Order gives me a sense of control and power. Right now, I’m feeling lost about one area of my life because I can not control it completely. This area requires faith and hope and optimism–three things that I struggle to provide for myself on a regular basis. So I’m returning to order. Now that I’m back home, I can create very structured days where I eliminate any free time to think/worry/stress/agonize over this area. Instead I will put on these feelings into a box and bury them deep within me. Well, that’s my goal at least.
It isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how else to react. Giving into chaos (as I see it) is scary and makes me too vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. I’m so much better at managing my expectations. I’m so much better at protecting my heart and head from the impossible, even though I know that my “protection” keeps me from living a full life. UGH!
Today I made mini pumpkin spice cakes…why? Who know?! It felt good to be control of the process and the outcome. Of course, I still feel lost after the baking ends. So I’m off to knit. Knitting will help my feelings…right??