crossing the finish line

Sunday night breakdown

Distrustful

Self-sabotage

Fearful

These are few words used this week to describe me. These words came from one of my best friends…who loves me. Talk about a punch in the gut.

Yet, he’s right. He’s completely right. UGH! I hate admitting it, but he is completely and absolutely right. I am all of those things.

So what now?

How do I take this knowledge and move forward? Hmm…I don’t know. My friend suggested that I try trusting until given a reason not to trust. That’s so not in my nature. I’m much more — I’ll trust you once you prove that you won’t disappoint, hurt, or fail me in any way. Pretty high standard, huh? Though having high standards hasn’t gotten me far in life, so maybe it’s time that I changed things.

Maybe I should try to trust people more. Maybe I should assume that people mean what they say. Maybe I should stop looking for the moment when someone will fail me. Maybe I should start thinking that my approach to people has been wrong.

I can’t help but think about an exercise that we did at Bridge Builders, a youth leadership program in Memphis, — the Trust Fall. The exercise requires one person to trust the rest of the group to catch them when they fall back from a higher point. Thinking back to my experiences with this exercise, it seems so simple. I can trust a group of strangers to physically catch me. Yes, I remember being somewhat nervous about it, but it seems like nothing like trusting someone with my heart. My heart feels more vulnerable and fragile than my entire body. My heart doesn’t feel strong enough to recover from injury.

Now I know that isn’t true. I’m strong. I can recover from heartbreak and injury. Yet I also know that I don’t want to go through it. I want to shield myself from it. Ok, don’t say…life doesn’t work that way. Life is painful and messy and wonderful and amazing and joyful, if you do it right. I just need to trust in it.

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This entry was posted on 24/03/2013 by in Life and tagged , , , , , , .

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